Trying again...

So nothing like a little 6 month gap between posts. Posting about how Glen was doing was FAR easier than writing about Katie. But I'll try again.

Still having great trouble with the hips. While Glen was sick I hadn't even noticed how bad they'd gotten. First day I really noticed was the day of the funeral. Now have a scooter to go longer distances (like the mall, or a movie, or the grocery store!). Still didn't make me as independent as I wanted because even disassembled it is too heavy for me to lift. Friday, I'm having a carrier put on the Pilot (think bike rack on steroids!). That should be a big step for independence.

Will I get if fixed eventually... yes. Of course. But this is not that time... I still freeze up at the mere thought. After having so many bad things happen in a row, I've been told it's pretty natural for me to "catastrophize" things... if something can have an awful outcome I assume it will. I have also been told that the way to move beyond post trauma stress is to go forward in baby steps.

I don't hear as many scary noises in the house any more, even if I'm home alone. I try not to be too dependent on Kevin and Rushi... but they are in fact my way of staying grounded and moving forward without them right now is not something I'd like to think about. And if Kevin ever moves he's going to have to take the cat with him, because right now I need him for "dead wildlife removal." She brought in a rat the size of a possum the other night!

My current goal is to get out and do something, even something small, at least one or two times a week. This week maybe I overdid a bit. Spent the night at my friend Karen's house Saturday (So that's a Saturday AND Sunday adventure). Used the pool Monday. (Even when I say I'm not going to do exercises while I'm in there.. .I do). Took the kids out to breakfast yesterday. Today, cleaning lady came and a grocery delivery. I THINK I have a quiet day tomorrow but then Friday I have the carrier put on the car, and if they're done in time, I have my widows grief support group in the afternoon... something that is fun and good for me but also exhausting.

Soooo... I may have overdone it a bit. And it was exactly this time last year when Glen started getting worse quickly. Having a sad day today and expecting I'll probably have a couple more the next couple weeks. So... baby steps Katie. Baby steps.

The Problem with Good Days

Had a nice long run of pretty decent days. Kev and I have been getting along reasonably well, made a good chunk of progress on the house (of course... when I'm making progress on the long term stuff, the house often looks messier because things like dishes get put on hold.) The problem with a long run of decent days is it can lull you into a false sense of security. One can start to feel like she is beginning to redefine normal minus the hyper-aware anxiety being ever present.

Then.. just like that... it's gone. The carefully crated sense of calm disappears with a phone call or a barking dog or maybe because of nothing at all. Today, it's a bunch of things. A phone call that the city inspector is coming for the final sign off on the pool tomorrow. Now.. this is not MY issue, we're not even using the pool at the moment.. it's the builder's issue. Doesn't matter. And.. the builder has to come install a couple of door alarms and block off the pet door (long story.) Someone's coming to hopefully pick up Glen's bed, assuming she wants it after she's seen it. Glad to have it find a home... still going to be sad to see it leave. Too much time spent sorting and tossing in that room.. definitly ready for it to be done. Mostly just carpet cleaning and reassembly but still ready for it to be over.

What I'd like to do is crawl back into bad and pull the covers over my head for a while. Can't do that. People coming. And gotta get ready for Kev's birthday. And Christmas. And it's supposed to rain. It's just one of those times that in order to keep the semblence of a "normal household" I am reminded that there's one of me where there used to be two of us. Blech.

holidays. oh boy.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. The death of Glen's Uncle Nando hit me and Kevin much harder than either of us would have predicted. I think for a number of reasons. Of course the obvious.. We buried Glen like 3 1/2 months ago. We've lost 5 people in a year, and Glen's dad just a year before that. Since there was no funeral for Glen's parents, the pictures of them mixed in with the pictures of Uncle Nando and Auntie Nancy gave us a chance to grieve them but also added another layer. Too much sadness.. all too soon.

Then there's the whole holiday thing. Of course, holidays around here have been weird for a while anyway. But now, much of the weirdness is actually gone. I'll say one thing for weirdness.. it's distracting. You don't really have time to miss normal all that much.. ok, you miss normal, but you don't have time to dwell on the lack of "special". I really struggle with all the commercials showing happy couples buying each other fabulous gifts. I HATE the ads with happy couples going dreadfully romantic places. Not even crazy fond of the "big happy family" ads.

Thursday is Thanksgiving. Kevin and I have ordered a pre-made Thanksgiving dinner from Safeway.. even green been casserole! Yeah, we'll be eating leftovers for a long time and still have stuff to freeze, but that's ok. He's going to go play football. I'm gonna curl up in my sweats and watch the Macy's Parade. Then it's dinner and football, and hopefully the turkey induced good nights sleep.

Soon it's going to be time to put up the Christmas decorations. Which we WILL do. I love Christmas. I love the music and the lights and the old movies and all the silly stuff that goes with it, and the ugliness of the past couple of years is NOT going to take all of that away from me. I'm hoping my family will still gather here on Christmas eve... even have a place for everyone to sit if we can be outside! There will be sadness.. but hopefully there will happy memories to enjoy and new ones to make.

And hopefully if we put the tree on the floor in the family room corner... Baron won't feel the need to pee on it.

Baby Steps and Bad Dreams

The outside is finished... with a pool guy and a gardener to help keep it that way. Starting to work on the inside. Have broken down and recycled most of the cardboard boxes that had piled up. Almost found the family room, gonna do kitchen tidying this afternoon. I'm learning to quiet my inner perfectionist. If I start a project I tend to work myself to death getting it finished all at once. I can't do that. My hip won't do it. My energy won't do it. I'm learning that if I work for a little while (like, sweep during commercials... doing dishes while the pasta is cooking..) Yeah, I know.. .duh. But my life is a learning experience right now. By doing little bits at a time, I am actually starting to catch up and that's nice.
I am also considering actually hiring someone to come in and help me clean out the room that was Glen's, the garage and maybe some of the upstairs. It's more than I can do on my own.. I tend to just sit and stare at it, and just physically can't do the lifting, etc, needed. I'd like to say I'm beyond being embarassed about how bad it's gotten.. but I'd be lying. But I think I am to the point where embarassed or not, maybe I can accept help.
So.. bad dreams. I'm having recurring dreams that Glen is in. Not surprising. What's kind of.. well.. weird: he always appears as a disembodied head. No, I have not been drinking or smoking anything aside from occasional glass of wine or mojito. Honest. One dream, he was out in the pool using a breathing tube to jump in the water from the beach entry. Last night, he suddenly whooshed in genie like, got right in my face and angrily yelled "Thanks a LOT!!"
Decided to look up what a disembodied head might mean (besides the baltently obvious ALS reference.) From several different dream sites, I got this: a disembodied head symbolizes loss of identity, effectiveness, meaning or life. Well GOSH, none of THAT going on around here. What I find interesting is there are the literal references to Glen's losses... but also strong references to my own losses. I've been a mom, a homeschool teacher, a caregiver for Kevin when he was having some issues, a wife, and then a full time caregiver for Glen. Again, the literal.. hard to feel like an effective caregiver when the person your taking care of.. y'know... dies. But more generally... I've lost the life I thought I was going to have, the person I thought I was as wife, the person I thought I was heading into the proverbial sunset with. Apparently, my brain is finding some interesting ways to deal with that.
My best baby step today.. I got myself up and out of the house. Had to take a couple of things to the post office.. I actually did so, then headed over to Starbucks and sat there to drink my coffee and eat my sandwich. Of course, the added bonus is I get to drive up to my beautful "new looking" house!
And last but not least, my "happy" story for the day. Since we're all just coming down from the Giants World Series win, I thought I'd share a baseball story. It goes back to when Glen & I were first seeing each other. Not even really "dating" yet. My friend Steve was playing baseball at Stanford.. he later played for the Texas Rangers, so it's a legitimate segue!! Glen agreed to come to a game with me (really didn't take much to talk him into it).. then of course we waited around so I could introduce the two. The two guys shook hands, and apparently Steve's handshake was a little extra firm, as he gave Glen the once over. On the way back to Glen's, he said "Why do I have the feeling I've just been checked out!?" ohhhhh... I dunno... maybe because you were. And passed inspection! Guess I've always had folk watching out for me even when I didn't realize it.

Musings on Anxiety

Look up "anxiety" in any dictionary (or many if you look online) and you'll find lots of synonyms, some pretty obvious, but my favorite is "disquiet". That's exactly what I feel like today. Things just feel .. I dunno.. off. Got that knot in the pit of my stomach for no particular reason feeling going on. It's kind of a useless feeling, at least in my case. More likely that I'll just freeze up like a rabbit waiting to be scooped up by a hawk rather than do anything terribly useful.

Maybe it's because the weather can't make up its mind. Woke up to a gorgeous sunny crisp fall day.. now it's getting cloudy and dark. Better stay dry for the baseball game! Constantly changing temperatures tend to be rough on my knees and hips too. So I'm physically not feeling the best. Maybe it's just reaction to changes in Kevin's life.. concerns that both people involved will be able to handle the changes with strength and grace. And of course, it could always be related to the suckitude level of the past few years. Who knows.

Going to do my best to basically just wait it out, this disquietude that I'm feeling. Maybe do a little more tidying. Maybe bring my new unicorn statue in from the porch and decide his permanent home in the yard. I'll have Kevin home with me to watch the games... that will be nice.

Redefining/Reclaiming

So much of life for the past few years - for me and Kevin both- has been defined by the initial phrase "While we're taking care of...." And most of it was legitimate, life or death type of caregiving. Now that urgency is gone, and we are both faced with redefining our places in the world... a world vastly changed from where it was two years ago.



There is sadness in this of course... I still reflexively think "Oh, Glen's going to love hear...oh.. never mind" There is frustration also... between the caregiving and the grieving, I'm not in the kind of physical shape I was just a few years ago. My "bad hip" has become two bad hips, which means anything I want to do takes at least twice as long as I think it should. I still beat myself up for that and for other things that I need to just let go.



But... there is opportunity also. I can once again keep only healthy food in the house. Even if I don't feel like cooking, I can keep frozen veggies, entrees, etc readily available. And even though I DO consider chocolate a "healthy food" I am pleased to find myself looking for it far less often. I can leave the house and go for a drive, or go spend time with my sister. Hopefully improved diet and exercise will mean improved mobility.. an upward spiral rather than a downward.. what a concept.



I think on the future.. might I want to do volunteer work? Go back to my jewelry making? Perhaps learn something new? This is a big house.. do I want to stay here when Kevin moves on with his life? Maybe move back to Marin or Sonoma? These thoughts are ever present and yet I try to think of them consciously in only small bits or it all becomes overwhelming again.



I see Kev going through some of the same things... As I become stronger and more independent, it will become easier to once again look to his own future. He can again dream big dreams and make plans of how to make those big dreams become big realities.



For now we continue to make baby-step progress on cleaning the house, catching up with long-deferred maintenance... these things give me some renewed sense of control over my own life. It's all a process. It's all part of the journey. At least the level of suckitude is far less than some other parts of the journey have been!

Dark, rainy, gloomy day. Kev's at the football game. Rushi's headed to Fremont. Going to attempt to not let it get to me. Maybe do some sorting... maybe do nothing but watch football and baseball! Weird not having anyone to watch ballgames with... even at his worst, I could generally still watch sports with Glen. When we were first starting to go out, it was during the 1980 Winter Olympics. We were both supposed to be going to the same party.. I think it was in Santa Clara, don't really remember. I was still living in San Rafael. But it was the day of the championship hockey game. THE championship hockey game! Gold medal on the line for the US. Neither of us went to the party... we spent the afternoon on the phone (Glen in Sunnyvale, me in San Rafael).. watching the hockey game. Sports junkies do have a way of finding each other. Non-sports junkies just look at us and shake their heads.